go slow. oh .go slow. (XX LOVE)

these songs have been the sound track to everything since I dont know... listen!
VCR- the xx

	The xx - VCR .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

and Crystalised  by them as well.

	The xx - Crystalised .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

this is no help at all .

The holy dove
She will be caught again
bought and sold
and bought again
the dove is never free.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in. 

on a side thought i'm starting to run out of money, I should probably pick up some more shifts. also I might be infatuated with Scarlett's appeal right now, only about 20% though.

Only love is all maroon, especially in Michigan.

So about two weeks ago I agreed (in the light of some fun) to nonsense proposed by Mel who at the time was very bored and probably wanted to see me  make a fool of myself. Anyway ... it worked out, amazingly.

I wish you never had to leave.

to leonard

You tell me that silence
Is nearer to peace than poems
But if for my gift
I bought you silence
(for I know silence)
You would say
This is not silence
This is another poem
And you would hand it back to me.

Thank You Neil.

Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe.

the brain of a whale

I saw the most amazingly beautiful sunset yesterday evening.. 

the orange melted with the red, searing the whole sky into peace..

the brain of a whale crowns the edge of the water

like a lurid sunset, but all I ever see 

is you and You

or you in you

or You in you.

Pouring Milk Out the Window

I really hope this is the right direction to be going..

Red Right Hand

Everything I guess is fine right now. Sometimes its nice when things are fine, and not great, or bad, just kind of neither here nor there. Sometimes its frustrating being in head spaces when your not leaning even a little either way. But when I think about it more its a quiet comfortable sort of private place to enjoy for moments between either mild extremes. I really like Nick Cave right now.

"And, of course, that is what all of this is - all of this: the one song, ever changing, ever reincarnated, that speaks somehow from and to and for that which is ineffable within us and without us, that is both prayer and deliverance, folly and wisdom, that inspires us to dance or smile or simply to go on, senselessly, incomprehensibly, beatifically, in the face of mortality and the truth that our lives are more ill-writ, ill-rhymed and fleeting than any song, except perhaps those songs - that song, endlesly reincarnated - born of that truth, be it the moon and June of that truth, or the wordless blue moan, or the rotgut or the elegant poetry of it. That nameless black-hulled ship of Ulysses, that long black train, that Terraplane, that mystery train, that Rocket '88', that Buick 6 - same journey, same miracle, same end and endlessness."

mary oliver (love)

I thought the earth remembered me,

she took me back so tenderly,

arranging her dark skirts, her pockets

full of lichens and seeds.

I slept as never before, a stone on the river bed,

nothing between me and the white fire of the stars

but my thoughts, and they floated light as moths

among the branches of the perfect trees.

All night I heard the small kingdoms

breathing around me, the insects,

and the birds who do their work in the darkness.

All night I rose and fell, as if in water,

grappling with a luminous doom. By morning

I had vanished at least a dozen times

into something better.

sincerely lc.

And jesus was a sailor
When he walked upon the water
And he spent a long time watching
From his lonely wooden tower
And when he knew for certain
Only drowning men could see him
He said all men will be sailors then
Until the sea shall free them
But he himself was broken
Long before the sky would open
Forsaken, almost human
He sank beneath your wisdom like a stone
And you want to travel with him
And you want to travel blind
And you think maybe youll trust him
For hes touched your perfect body with his mind.

:(

Sometimes I think everybody in the world should just take a deep breath and relax.

All the world is alive for me.

I haven't slept more than 7 hours in total over the past four days because i'm over excited. A very recent condensed influx of all these amazingly interesting people have charged into my world and are changing everything. Its great. But also you know the times in your life when you have these realizations that keep you up all night discovering, creating, becoming. Its a period of rapid flux of the self, this awareness once stimulated comes so quickly it hits you like a plank in the face. Your mind stretches rapidly, expanding and extending through the whole web of life, through all beings, an expansion of the interconnectedness of everything at dizzying speeds. Its a process of driving out yourself and letting the universe in, and whilst its amazingly invigorating, its extremely exhausting at the same time. Your body can't keep up with the pace that your mind is metamorphosing. Thats right now. I am unquestionably in love with absolutely everything and everybody in this universe and the entirety of everything. I'm at absolute peace with this whole world. And although i feel so overwhelmed like my mind is going to implode, things are really quite beautiful right now  :) Goodnight.

Staring at the sun.

When I see people, I see their minds. Our words are the only thing we truly own. Our minds are the only thing that are truly ours.


You showed me your mind. You made me realize how beautiful we (humans) all really can be, and what kinds of possibilities we have for love and kindness. But things have changed, and I  was too afraid to be honest. A small part of me fell in love with you- the first person, the first mind, to strip down who I thought I was and open my heart to the universe.But now I see you, and I have seen another you, and I have let go. You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave, Im not sorry its over, Im not sorry theres nothing really more to say.

!!!!!

All That Makes Us Human Continues

                                                

had a really childish day today. I woke up at 1:30pm, contemplating going to uni and catching up on all the days this week (including this morning) that i've skipped... however a delightful call from mel took me out and about buying masks, face-paints, feathers, bouncy balls, corn. We ran around chasing bouncy balls with butterfly masks on eating corn giggling and falling all over the place. I like days like these. I don't enjoy them too often, but every once in a while. 

we bought the masks for this psychedelic picnic we have planned on friday, and the rest of the stuff for no real reason. All this nonsense was brought to a halt when I had a call from Dave, my EFTWA psychiatrist. EFT stands for emotional freedom techniques.. I have been wanting to quit this for a while, but counsellors are actually the hardest people to get out of your life. They never take no for an answer. He practices through a tapping mechanism, where he taps on certain areas of your face and body whilst getting you to say certain things. These taps can apparently unlock all sorts of things within you, and lock the

m back up again if desired. Anyway the sessions are actually pretty intense and distressing, and your kinda left scattered in a bit of a mess all over the place for the next few days. The thought of any more really quite distresses me, so I spent a while trying to tell him I really don't want any more. He argued and argued, trying to convince me that I had these big problems waiting like live volcanos for me, and that I at least needed another EFT session to tap everything back into a box and close the lid. I just kept trying to tell him that I was really quite happy going about that all in my own way, but he wouldnt let me say no to the friday session, but I am going to phone again tomorrow and say no for good. He asked me if I had been doing the tapping with myself, and I lied. Its really quite sad, I did enjoy Dave, he was an incredibly witty irishman with a great deal of understanding and human compassion. Dave is one of those people that makes you cry because his ways of trying to understand this world are so beautiful. He has this amazing gentle human spirit inside of him, its heartbreaking. 

All of this giddy joy, was brought back down to a much quieter sense of reflection after the talk with dave. This is the way I like emotions. When you have released so much laughter and shared so much joy, and then retreat back into the yourself, sink back into touch with the peacefulness of the universe and take your time just walking and thinking. Your mind is soft, and open, and you can observe all that goes on around you with a heightened sense of appreciation and unspoken connection and understanding in the unity of everything. Listening to BT's "All That Makes Us Human Continues" is the most perfect soundtrack to these moments in your life. 

(my brother in switzerland) 

When will we ever learn to give out of love, and not need?

its my fathers birthday today. i didn't get him anything. 

exactly. 

DMT Birth

After changing my mind 20 times about whether to do it again or not, I shut all the blinds in my room, opening the windows. Mentally I tried to prepare myself for what was to come (useless in effort, as much as you think you will be prepared it always shatters you). 

4 seconds after inhaling I felt I had just got struck by lightening. I quickly put my bong down and I felt the electricity flowing through me and heard the buzzing and crackling. The walls started immediately slithering with geometric snake like tripomatic alien patterns, jeweled and washed-out neon. Immediate panic-fear set it. It was as if a deep rooted emotional terror has seized me. There were snake alien insect flowers, and I felt the buzzing. I started having strong doubts about doing it again, I was thinking shit shit shit why why did I take this again, and panic set in that instant. I thought the only way I could get through this was to try and relax and wait for it to be over, try and avoid  going into the same hellish nightmare as the first time. I mustered up everything I still had not to give into the panic. 

The sensation of dissolving, merging into another space, another time, melting into a

 dimensional hole, an indentation into the fabric of reality, dislocating me from my body and notions of ordinary space and time. 

I am in the pocket of the infinity of all moments. Damit damit damit its only been 7 seconds into this trip and I am already more overwhelmed than I can handle. The patters still swimming and swirling rapidly, in amazingly clear focus. They are buzzing and gyrating at dizzying speeds with endlessly complex hemispherical concave surfaces that are composed of millions of thousandths of discrete elements, this is liquid light, impossible geometric elements. 

Everything is constantly intermorphing in brilliant forms and impossible formations. Neo-christmas octopus plam trees in a disco hurricane whiplashing at heightening speeds all about you relentlessly. They are turning inside out, breaking into millions of sub-parts, and then reforming into something new and even more exquisite. This is GEOMETRIC MAYHAM! Very chaotic but clear.

All I could think was Dam dam dam DAMIT Hope, how did you honestly think you could handle it this time! Every moment was hyper-orchestrated, and now I quickly realize that I am gracefully, painfully, methodically, unbearably breaking every logical and conceptual taboo in the universe. I wish more than anything to quickly abort the trip and be around something recognizable. 

JESUS CHRIST why on earth did I do this. This all but 15 seconds of this 12 minute vacation out of this world and its already way too much. I thought to myself I would try and embrace this as much as I could. The most impossible configurations of meaning started unfolding and morphing like a tornado of converged realities. This has shattered my all preconceptions about EVERYthing I ever thought I knew in this world. I am entering DMT hyperspace. 

Ontological dynamite has gone off in my brain...Total carnage of self, casualties strewn about from the implosion into this hyperspace. The wounded preconceptions and decapitated belief systems that constructed my previous reality were in a make-shift emergency triage inside my mind. There were parts of my subconscious desperately scurrying around hopelessly trying to patch holes and sew the appendages back onto my normal reality construct. These self-repair fragments were busy saying "Oh, don't look over here!" as some of the worst victims were being covered by sheets to shield me from even more shock.

OK ok ok I must try and forget about this and turn my attention back to the outp

ourings of the light-speed alien novelty circus. There is unexplainable hyper-detailed energy all around and within me. The behaviours and motions observed in this reality are so unfathomably incomprehensibly different, beyond different! Like live volcano's of other information from another universe erupting raw-magma code into the matrix of my mind. I realized that this was the space, in-between the spaces. The code behind the matrix. DMT has taken me to a place that is the center of all of creation. The chaos that was there- before God created matter. It felt like I would be like this until THE END OF THE UNIVERSE.

I have to find a new zen level to deal with this transition. Anything holding gravity or attachments, any part of the recognizable, familiar, and the self will all be stripped away.. Dont try and bring it with you. 

This is all happening too quickly, I have no time to adjust, its very difficult to resist giving into your own amazement. To categorize anything in DMT is to limit your perception of it, which pulls you out of hyperspace into impossible attempts to rationalize. The only interpretation of DMT hyperspace, or these new realities is the purely direct wordless distilled raw experience of it. It is beyond alien, beyond novel, beautiful, and core shattering. All goes out the window, out of this world in DMT space, nothing you have ever learnt, none of your life experiences if of any use whatsoever. You are like a totally helpless newborn baby opening its eyes for the first time in a mix of terrifying awe, shock, joy, fear and disorientation